autocidal goals are goals that seek to undo the goals that spawned the goal in the first place.

This is the most tricky concept with regard to self-programming that I've come up with. It's in a way, like manual surrender.

For example, these are my goals: "I want to be more social, have better thinking, be more successful, be healthier, be happier" It seems like I've tried everything. After five years at attempts at the same problems, I noticed that I was looping in about 6-month cycles. Every 6 months, I'd be repeating some solution I tried before. So I tried to come up with an anti-loop.

I decided to make a fundamental shift in my character, knowing that this could also change the nature of the original goal in themselves.

The one that I stuck on was "self-acceptance." I should just accept who I am, accept my levels of sociality, my mental skills, my level of success, my health, etc.. That was initially a novel way for me to approach my problems. If I accepted myself, maybe I would be more confident and therefore more social. If I accepted my limitations, I would understand myself better and therefore be more successful and healthier.

However, what "self-acceptance" when taken to its full extent is actually is an undoing of the original goals in the first place. If you accept yourself, you are basically saying that being more social, being healthier, and being a better thinker are not necessary anymore.

So it's like my approach to my goal for improvement was to try an un-goal of accepting myself, which in actuality is getting rid of my goal for improvement.

It's like I took a temporary route using my existing self in order to undo myself. Like, I don't think I could've given up outright, I had to use my existing goal-framework in order to pick a goal that was autocidal, and that has undid my original goal-framework.

In a way, that is change. True change even changes the hand that changes. You depend on your existing framework (framework ... that includes like your ontology, like your desires, your beliefs, values, character etc..) and so within that framework you create a system that would eventually change that framework that birthed it in the first place.

See, other people, when they come to this age (actually much later perhaps) just "give up" and they change in that regard. Experience teaches them to just give up. But I'm teaching myself to pre-surrender before experience teaches me to do it. And I did it using my existing framework and experiences that still left me with much hope to not give up.

...

I understand this may seem very complicated.

Oh, right. Yeah, okay. I wanted to improve myself initally, and I was looping with my strategies, and so I decided that instead I should seek change in general.

but then the paradox is that, my desire to change was going to lead me to a change that involved reducing my desire to change. WTF, how does that work?

Fortunately, we're not completely like robots and so you can undo your paradoxes by sheer blind will.

hmm, in a way though, this is just a more complicated form of giving up. I noticed I was looping and so I decided to "try something new" which was in fact just going "screw improvement"

but not everybody goes through that whole giving up process when they get older. Some ppl still think they're going to be golden gods.

maybe I should've picked a marbelization that didn't seek to reduce the desire for change. But that wouldn't be a truly fundamental shift in my character.

Like I could've tried to install a "compassion module" into myself.. I'm about medium levels of compassion. That would've fundamentally shifted myself... but then again, that may have had the same effect of possibly reducing my need for the goals in the 1st place.

well, I guess I don't have to frame "self-acceptance" as a form of absolute surrender. It's not that exactly, and self-acceptance helps you grow better than discontentment does.

hmm, yeah. heh, this post is just another one of my mind's attempts to disengage "self-acceptance" I should keep on trucking w/ "self-acceptance." I've been trying to get myself to accept myself for 5 months now, and only now do I think I'm at the core territory that needs to be operated on, namely, accepting myself in all those areas I wanted to change in the first place: "improving my social skills, improving my thinking, make myself healthier, be more successful" etc.