One of the common end points in stories about twenty-year-olds is the discovery that he or she doesn't know what they want. On advice forums, for example, young people often wonder why a relationship is struggling or why they can't find career satisfaction, and the response commonly takes the form of, "know what you want."

"Why did you break up with her?"
"She didn't know what she wants."

I sensed the importance of this mantra early on, and so I tried to offset these issues ahead of time, by figuring out what I wanted. I created lists of everything I wanted, and numbered from 0-10 how much I really wanted them. And then I re-measured these weights over time to see if and how they changed, until eventually the numbers stabilized and I could figure out exactly what I wanted.

But looking back now, I think "know what you want" may not mean something static. It's not like we have an internal TODO list and all you have to do is read it. I think it may be a tonic activity, something you do everyday, sometimes every minute. Oftentimes understanding your more immediate wants eventually leads to satisfying your more long-term wants. For example, when it comes to relationships, it may not be as important to have a clear sense that you eventually want a family and a house with a white picket fence, as it is to know that the person in front of you is someone you want to flirt with, or that this person is someone you need approach more slowly. The person who "doesn't know what they want" flirts with everyone indiscriminately, rushes arbitrarily into some relationships and is unnecessarily coy in others.

Or when it comes to cultivating your career, having clearly stated career objectives is often not as important of knowing when to say "yes" and when to say "no." Some people at work are always at peace, because they only wear the hats that suit them, or if they wear many hats, they only go as deep as suits them. Whereas others always seem overwhelmed and burdened by the tasks assigned to them, and often its because they're driven either by an ambitious impulse or an irrational sense of responsibility.

"Know what you want" has more meaning to me rephrased as having an "awareness of your will." In a way, this is the essence of emotional intelligence.